Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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