Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
