If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
