She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
