Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
