if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
