if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can text with my tongue
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
