My sheets look like a crime scene.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
