People in love make me want to vomit
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
