His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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