ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
