I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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