How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
