i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
