Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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