Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
