Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
