i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
