My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
