Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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