You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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