Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
