he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize