I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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