I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
