My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
