Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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