My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
