He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
