I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
