Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
