did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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