Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
