you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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