and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
