My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
