My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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