So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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