I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
