I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
