Everything about him screamed your future.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
