If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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