We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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