Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
