I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
