Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
