I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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