He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
