she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize