Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
