I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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