i jhust puked up my retainher.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
