dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
