So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
