new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
