YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize