I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
