I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
