I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
