So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
