You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
